After almost a full year of not smoking, I started smoking again.
My best friend came to visit on her last night here we stayed in town to make the drive to airport easier. I got up at 4 am and packed baby, dog and friend into the car and we got to the airport without a hitch. The roads were a little wet but nothing to write home about. After I dropped her off the plan was to do the hour and a half drive home, so that’s what I did. I got about half way when the roads turned to not so nice for driving conditions, I thought about turning around for a split second but also knew if I took my time I would be just fine. The roads had a lot of water and slush on them and it was an extremely dark and worrisome drive. We had about 25 km left when the unthinkable happened, I hit slush and lost control of the vehicle and went across the road into the ditch on the other side. I sat in my car for a moment stunned, and then quickly came to thinking about my 6 week old infant in the back seat. I jumped out of the car into snow/slush half way up my calf and into the back seat. He was still asleep, I rubbed his face and he smiled. I did a quick assessment, the baby, the dog and I were all okay. I was shaking like a leaf. I didn’t know what the number to a tow truck was so I took to google as most of us do now a days and found the number for one in Tors Cove. Despite the warmth of the vehicle I was trembling like a leaf. My feet were frozen, I was extremely shook up and I was dying for a puff to help calm my anxiety. The first car that stopped was a middle aged male, I told him I called a tow truck and it was on the way. He said he would continue on his way then, but did I need anything. Before I even had a chance to think I asked him for a smoke. I walked up the bank of snow and he gave me three and a lighter. I got back down beside the car and stood in the slush up to my calves smoking two in a row. When I told people this after they asked me if I got a head rush or if it made me sick, I never noticed I think I was in too much shock to really take notice. Anyways, the next truck that came was a friend of mine. He told me he’d drive us home so between the two of us we managed to get the baby who was still asleep in his car seat and the dog up the snowy embankment. We sat and waited in the warmth of his truck for the tow truck. Once the tow had me back on the road it was evident there was no damage suffered to my vehicle and it was okay to drive, I wasn’t ready to drive though I was still extremely shook up but asked he friend if I could leave the baby with him and he follow me up the shore. We only made it to the next community before my anxiety and nerves were at full kilt. I called my friend who lived in that community asking if I could come over till I was ready to drive. Of course she said yes, so I pulled over and took my baby and the dog back out of the other truck and into my vehicle and went to her house, I stayed there for 2 hours. Now if I hadn’t of went there, I might of not had that third smoke plus a couple more, or I might of anyways it’s hard to say. She put on the coffee and we went outside for a smoke, and another one and another one. Eventually I drove home and didn’t have one for the rest of the day, but it was too late the nicotine monster had me. The next morning I bought a pack. I told myself once this pack was done I’d be done again. I couldn’t breast feed my child when I wanted because I needed to wait two hours after having a smoke to let the nicotine deplete enough from my system. I smell gross, and am washing my hands and changing my shirt before I can even touch him, I didn’t want him to smell me like this, mommy is supposed to smell good. All of this was in my head every smoke but when that pack ran out Christmas Eve I went most of Christmas Day without one and the addiction won….I bought another pack. I just threw away a year of progress, I need to start the process all over again. Will I be able to do it again? I’m ashamed at myself but as I write this drinking my coffee, sitting on the steps outside my house, I’m having a smoke…..