So the first post I did about this, I tried to make it funny and sarcastic. It’s my first time blogging I didn’t really want to get to the nitty-gritty of feelings the first couple days.
But here it is, my frazzled emotions laid out for you all to read….
They say if you think about it or stress about it you won’t get pregnant. But how can I not think about it? It will be two years in July of us trying. It’s difficult cause my husband is gone for 16 days of the month. We have been kind of lining up with days but not completely. He leaves and within 2-4 days after I ovulate. There’s still a chance but the chance is extremely slim. He flies on the forth Monday of the month at 5 am. So we always have sex Sunday night but not Saturday because we want they sperm to be plentiful. The two weeks after I’m checking for implantation bleeding, over thinking anytime I feel anything that might relate to a pregnancy symptom. But PMS symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are almost identical. My period is supposed to come on Monday, My boobs are sore, I’m bloated, I’m constipated, I’m exhausted, could I be pregnant or is it just PMS? Chances are it’s just PMS! The exhaustion could also come from the fact that I’ve stopped smoking, I struggle with anemia, I struggle with anxiety, there’s been some stress in my life lately. I’ve done two pregnancy test already this week, both negative just like every month. I know I should wait until my period is due but I get these symptoms every month and I get hopeful. The day my period comes is another crushing blow. I’ve been reading lots of blogs about miscarriages and am so glad people are sharing this experience because it’s something that needs to be talked about. So many people feel ashamed, alone and like it’s their fault after a miscarriage, I have a few friends that have had them. My friends and the brave, amazing people blogging about are so courageous and strong. If this was to happen to me, I have no idea how I’d handle it, because every month that I get a negative pregnancy test it hurts more and more. I’m a really positive person and believe positive thinking brings positive outcome but for once in my life that mindset is not working. Last rotation I asked my husband to stay for two more days before going to work. So maybe just maybe it would up our chances and he would be home for my ovulation, he didn’t I got mad at him. I accused him of not wanting a family with me. I knew that was not the case, I knew his crew was short-staffed and he wouldn’t have been able to get the time off. But I felt like that was the reason. That this thing I wanted so badly, that I thought we both wanted so badly, all of a sudden he didn’t want as well. He tells me it will happen when it happens, that’s what everyone says, but it doesn’t make it easier that it’s not happening, it doesn’t make it easier that every month I cry because of another negative test or that my period comes. Will I eventually become immune to the negative tests? Will it ever get easier?